I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
