I am puke
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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