so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
what day is it and did you see me today?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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