oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So many bounce houses so little time
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
