Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
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