I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
