Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
