Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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