You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
