I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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