my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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