Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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