Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
