They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize