My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
