I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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