No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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