Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
