pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
