I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
