I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
