Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i think my mom watched the whole time
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
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