he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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