All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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