When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
