I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
