My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
