Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
