then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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