I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize