I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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