I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
