She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
