He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
