Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
