he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
