At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The beer is more important than you right now.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
