never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
