You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
