I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
