My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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