At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
