video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
