My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
