Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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