It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
