White coat. Heels.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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