I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
