I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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