toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
