Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My breasts were aching with rage.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
