I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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