Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
