Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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