Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
