I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize