Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
