Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
