I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
