I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
This house was built for laser tag.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
