I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
