we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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