i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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