Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
