I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
