Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
