dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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