I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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